Being in my late 30s I grew up just like most other kids my age with the expectation to find someone of the opposite sex, get married, have kids and/or become career focused (since career was such an 80s era drive).
I was definitely attracted to boys growing up but also had an infatuation with a particular female here or there. I think the first female that really caught my eye was Jennifer Grey. I’m not exactly sure why, maybe her curly hair,her sassy role in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, or maybe just the particular picture I found but I had a photo of her plastered on the inside of my “secret” area of all my early pre teen stuff.
Time went on and I just brushed my occasional infatuation over a girl as wishing I was more like that particular female. I did tend to pick women that had at least some similar features to me and having something I admired.
Time went on and in college I was in my second serious relationship with a male. I had a chemistry class in which, there was chemistry. There was a girl whom sat in front of me and I had my first serious girl crush. It was quite overwhelming at the time because it was the first time I admitted to myself that I didn’t see all women as friends or just women, I was sometimes attracted romantically. Nothing ever happened with this girl outside of my fantasies and my starting of coming out.
My best friend for a few years in college was gay. He was the first person I came out to, or at least came out as questioning myself and admitting I had a girl crush. He made me feel comfortable with my feelings and gave me an outlet to express my inner thoughts and feelings.
A year or so passed and I found myself being attracted to more and more women. I came out to my boyfriend as “curious”. He was accepting of this and allowed me to express my thoughts with him which made me feel comfortable with my “crushes”. As time passed I knew I was attracted to both sexes but didn’t know if my attraction to females would extend beyond that, an attraction. I met friends whom would tell me that they found both sexes attractive but couldn’t “emotionally” connect to both.
It wasn’t until I was 34 that I was single and back into the dating world after a long relationship. This finally gave me the opportunity to see if my attraction to women was just physical or if it could be emotional too.
Over 4 and a half years later I can tell you that I find both men and women attractive physically and emotionally. I do tend to be more attracted to those that don’t fit well into a gender role, especially considering I don’t think I fit well into the gender role of a female.
I am currently with a guy and I feel like maybe I am confusing some people. In the last three years I have had 2 relationships and both were with females. Even to myself it is a little weird. I had to get used to thinking “boyfriend” instead of “girlfriend”. I think I also find myself doing things like this blog to say “no, I’m not a lesbian but I’m no straight girl either!”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have always been a bisexual and will always be. I recently read a blog by Single Dad Laughing that I found I could definitely relate to.
Oftentimes I get to the end of a blog, like this one, and try to figure out where exactly I was going with all of this and how do I wrap it up. I will end it with this, I’m with a guy right now and that might be for quite a long time and it doesn’t mean I was straight all along or it may not last and I find myself with a girl and that doesn’t mean I was a lesbian all along. I am Karen, I love a person, not a gender. I think more can relate to that idea than are willing to admit to the world.