Well tomorrow is the big day. Really it shouldn’t be a big deal, it’s outpatient after all. So why am I so anxious? Well part of it is the fact that I am having surgery and it will involve a lot of time sitting on my ass not getting to do many of the things I greatly enjoy which is hard for someone whom suffers from ADHD. Really though this whole process is bringing back some bad memories.
See 8 years ago or so (I have a horrible memory, especially when it comes to time lines) my ex crushed his foot in a motorcycle accident. Yes he was wearing the proper gear and great boots and really just one of those freak things that the bike hit his foot just right. Really other than a completely messed up foot and ankle and a small bruise on his knee he was untouched.
This event changed both of our lives forever. We had a fairly good relationship up until that point. We did go through some rough patches and there were very occasional times he would say downgrading things to me but overall the relationship was still a good one. At that current point in my life I was biking as often as possible and that day, which actually was his birthday, I came home from a third day in a row of biking to find his motorcycle in the driveway and he on the couch. I walk into the house to have him point at his very swollen mangled foot and ask “do I need to go to the hospital?” Holy shit! Yes you do! So I load him into the car and off we go. Well a thunderstorm rolls in and as we are at the Haywood County Hospital the electricity starts going on and off. We were there for hours only to be told he needs to see a orthpedic surgeon the next day.
Well this began a long process. He had to wait for his foot to unswell a little before surgery then came the surgery. A 6 hour-long surgery that involved a few days after at the hospital. Then long days at home in which he very slowly healed and well never has fully healed as to this day he still has crooked toes and pain when he walks. There are way too many details to put in here.
Really the thing about all of this is during this time he became demanding of me and everything I did to help him was wrong. I couldn’t wrap a bandage right, pour his orange juice right, whatever it was he needed or wanted at the moment wasn’t right and it was all my fault. All of his pain, anxiety and generally being scared he took out on me in the form of verbal abuse. It hurt both of us, a lot. My life has never been the same since.
He was eventually mobile again (after 3 months of no work) and could get back to a normal life but his attitude with me did not change. That day marked a serious downward spiral of our relationship. The two of us were never the same and the following years together hurt more and more until eventually I broke and we fell completely apart.
He has spent a lot of time working on himself since our relationship and has deeply apologized to me. It still doesn’t fix things but it helps.
So having surgery brings back a lot of memories. Way more than I can or will put in a blog. So if I seem more anxious or scared than I should be this is why. I know I’ll be fine and my recovery will be minimal but I will have too much time to sit and think and that scares me most.
I’ll end this with a song he sent to me the morning after he apologized to me for everything he did. We both wish we could go back and change things but we can’t. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and grow and value what the future holds.