I Am Female After All

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the more masculine traits I have.  Oftentimes even my emotions resemble more masculine than feminine.  I try my best not to let things bother me, to brush off negative things people say to me, to not feed into gossip and other various traits that seem more feminine in emotions.  I was, in fact, called emotionally butch by an ex-girlfriend.  Every now and then, more often than I care to admit, my feminine emotional powers come out and it drags me down.

Today is one of those days.  I have discussed before strengths and weaknesses and mentioned one of my weaknesses is love.  Well that includes past and present loves, ones I want and don’t want.  So today, along with a really long tiring work week, it is love dragging me down.

Last night I went to see one of my absolute favorite bands, They Might Be Giants.  I knew before I bought my tickets that this meant I would be in the same venue with my ex (the long-term one).  We get along and hang out on great occasion but it is still awkward and I wasn’t really prepared for what I would feel last night.  He has a new girlfriend, whom I met once before, and actually she seems like a cool girl and I’m happy that he is happy with her.  I just wasn’t expecting to watch him hold her.  I, of course, could have moved and stopped watching but for some stupid reason I watched.  All these stupid memories of being at previous They Might Be Giants concerts with him flooded into my head. We saw them together probably 7 or 8 times and it was hard to not feel like it was supposed to be me in his arms not her.

I don’t want to get back together with him but I do miss that comfort of being in the arms of someone you love.  I’m starting to feel lonely having been single for quite a while now.  I’m sure I could find a relationship with someone if I really wanted to but that isn’t what I want.  I want to love and be loved.  It’s a feeling I miss terribly.

I am a female after all.

4 responses to “I Am Female After All

  1. I hope you ended up having a good time. I have to admit that one of the things that convinced me that I didn’t need to go (besides the drive home and budgetary concerns) was not wanting to run into him either. I have to say that I admire your ability to be able to hang and get along once in a great while. I don’t know how you do that…

  2. Sending you a hug Karen! That must be hard to watch and have those feelings. You will find love again, and for now just be loving to yourself!

  3. You are loved, it’s just by bastards and deviants and other similarly aloof people.

  4. Thank you all, I love all of you too!

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