I have been a little unsettled recently. I have mentioned before that I’m at a point where I want to nest after a few years of living in the moment and . I’m working on making steps to feel a little bit more nested but right now my life is still in chaos.
Many of you know I suffer from anxiety so of course right now I’m having some issues with it. I’m trying to step back and realize things can’t just happen, that there is a process. I’m also trying to keep in mind that process can bring self discovery and lasting memories.
My nest will come. Not all at once but in steps and I need to enjoy the ride along the way. That is what life is all about.
I have always had continual problems with anxiety. Recently I have been going through a few things that have increased my symptoms and it seems like my body has been releasing them in my dreams.
Along with always having a battle anxiety issues I always have had vivid dreams. Sometimes I will remember whole dreams, other times bits and pieces and sometimes I just wake up knowing I had a super crazy dream. Well the last couple of weeks my dreams have been quite vivid and intense and I can remember a good portion of them. People closing in on me and multiplying by the second, getting lost in a maze of an airport, being left in strange places, etc. It has been a little harrowing and definitely causing my mind to churn even more than it normally does when I am awake.
I wish I could go back to my happy recurring dream I had as a child in which I could fly. I would just stand still and wish it and up I would go. I wish I could be carefree and escape like that when I wanted.
I know some of my current anxieties will let up in a couple of weeks as events pass but in the meantime I just hope for a regular old happy dream.
Well there is some positive things to look forward to like Bele Chere this weekend. I will be there volunteering at the Pisgah Area SORBA booth on Saturday and checking out a few bands after and then I just might have to go back on Sunday to check out this awesome artist:
Life has been a big whirlwind of stress recently. One thing after another. Work, money, dating, work, money. It definitely has been taking a toll on me. My anxiety has skyrocketed and my ability to keep my usual smile is getting hard. I really miss the happy me. I have an appointment with the doctor and some of these things will sort out sooner than later but right now I’m doing my best to remember to breathe deep.
I did my second post surgery ride today! I rode for an hour and I do hurt a little but not as bad as when I did 20 minutes last week so that is a huge improvement! It is also a huge improvement to my mood. I just did a casual slow ride up Riverside from my house, a little over 13 miles.
I didn’t realize just how much I was needing it. I have been battling a little bit of depression recently. I started feeling anxious and depressed before my surgery and it has only become worse. This is something I have battled with on and off in life and exercise, particularly biking, helps. A lot. I have been able to go to the gym a little recently and that has helped but really nothing is as therapeutic as getting out on two wheels and seeing the world around me. Having been over a month since my last really good ride I had almost forgotten how awesome it is.
I rode slow but not too slow considering it was my first good ride since surgery last month. It was a nice cool quiet Sunday morning and I pedaled and pedaled. I wanted to go further but was afraid to get too far from the house and worried about the pain. I felt fine the whole time I rode but stopped once to check how I felt and as soon as I put my foot down I was reminded. The pain is still there and isn’t gone yet. But it’s getting better and less every day. So home I headed to make sure I didn’t overdo it.
Hopefully my mental pain can follow along with my foot and continue to get better. Get out and ride, even if it’s a slow ride!
Well tomorrow is the big day. Really it shouldn’t be a big deal, it’s outpatient after all. So why am I so anxious? Well part of it is the fact that I am having surgery and it will involve a lot of time sitting on my ass not getting to do many of the things I greatly enjoy which is hard for someone whom suffers from ADHD. Really though this whole process is bringing back some bad memories.
See 8 years ago or so (I have a horrible memory, especially when it comes to time lines) my ex crushed his foot in a motorcycle accident. Yes he was wearing the proper gear and great boots and really just one of those freak things that the bike hit his foot just right. Really other than a completely messed up foot and ankle and a small bruise on his knee he was untouched.
This event changed both of our lives forever. We had a fairly good relationship up until that point. We did go through some rough patches and there were very occasional times he would say downgrading things to me but overall the relationship was still a good one. At that current point in my life I was biking as often as possible and that day, which actually was his birthday, I came home from a third day in a row of biking to find his motorcycle in the driveway and he on the couch. I walk into the house to have him point at his very swollen mangled foot and ask “do I need to go to the hospital?” Holy shit! Yes you do! So I load him into the car and off we go. Well a thunderstorm rolls in and as we are at the Haywood County Hospital the electricity starts going on and off. We were there for hours only to be told he needs to see a orthpedic surgeon the next day.
Well this began a long process. He had to wait for his foot to unswell a little before surgery then came the surgery. A 6 hour-long surgery that involved a few days after at the hospital. Then long days at home in which he very slowly healed and well never has fully healed as to this day he still has crooked toes and pain when he walks. There are way too many details to put in here.
Really the thing about all of this is during this time he became demanding of me and everything I did to help him was wrong. I couldn’t wrap a bandage right, pour his orange juice right, whatever it was he needed or wanted at the moment wasn’t right and it was all my fault. All of his pain, anxiety and generally being scared he took out on me in the form of verbal abuse. It hurt both of us, a lot. My life has never been the same since.
He was eventually mobile again (after 3 months of no work) and could get back to a normal life but his attitude with me did not change. That day marked a serious downward spiral of our relationship. The two of us were never the same and the following years together hurt more and more until eventually I broke and we fell completely apart.
He has spent a lot of time working on himself since our relationship and has deeply apologized to me. It still doesn’t fix things but it helps.
So having surgery brings back a lot of memories. Way more than I can or will put in a blog. So if I seem more anxious or scared than I should be this is why. I know I’ll be fine and my recovery will be minimal but I will have too much time to sit and think and that scares me most.
I’ll end this with a song he sent to me the morning after he apologized to me for everything he did. We both wish we could go back and change things but we can’t. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and grow and value what the future holds.
My friend anxiety has been visiting me this week. He has been staying well past his welcome and I hope he realizes that as soon as my surgery is done. So of course that means I am starting to have some insomnia issues again. So I was up a little early this morning and have spent some time on the old interwebz which I did find a little video that put a smile on my face. So enjoy!